Sarah · in · Kyoto

Ok, so I am not dead. I doubt anyone will even see this though, because it's been like what? 7 years since I last wrote in here. And hell if I even know what to write now. Too much. Brain cannot process. Spelling capability is limited (wow, not good!!). So I stole this from Alex. Haha. I hate memes but they are easy ways to pretend I am making an in-depth entry. Enjoy my inner-soul.

1. First name: Sarah
2. Age: 21
3. Location: Kyoto
4. Hometown: Cincinnati, OH (bumblefuck)
5. Occupation: Student/Intern/english tutor
6. Partner: um, unmarried? Jemma (my lesbian life-partner?)
7. Kids: Someday! No seriously, I have decided I want babies. At least 2.
8. Brothers/Sisters: 2 older brothers
10. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:
1) In Japan, still sucking at Japanese
2) Trying to do research on traditional Japanese culture in a modern context
3) Learning to cook (Seriously, this is dangerous stuff, people)
11. Parents: A mother who is currently in Greece (wtf?)
12. Who are some of your closest friends?: I have a few in Japan and a lot more back home, but nothing quite like my cat. Miss you, Fuzzy!!
13. Do you drink/smoke?: I drink like a sailor and smoke when I am so drunk it seems like a good idea.
14. Tattoos/Piercings: 2 piercings in each ear, and my navel. guys hate it. haha. No really, they do.

1. Do you think you were raised well?
Well, my dad was mentally ill and my mom is a coooooold biatch. I am both.

2. Do you have a secret that you've never told ANYONE?
Yes. What's the point of this? Am I supposed to spill it now or something?

3. How do you handle stress?
By balling it up inside until it explodes out in a fit of crying about once a month.　Mark your calendars!

4. How would you spend your last day alive?
Eating good food, spending time with people I love, and systematically de-virginizing every Japanese man I meet.

5. Do you hide things well or do you have a guilty conscience?
I've been told my face is easy to read.

6. If there was true love on one side of the street and a million bucks on the other which one would you pick?
I'm gonna be serious and say the cash. With money in my pocket, I can happily go on my own search for true love. It's out there, I think.

7. If your parents got divorced and you had to pick mom or dad to live with whom would you pick?
It happened. And I chose mom.

8. If you had to choose between having one family member, or 5 of your closest friends, die, who would you choose?
My family member, but can I choose who??

9. Do you think you could ever forgive someone who murdered a family member?
Depends why they did it.

10. What is the worst thing you've ever done that your parents DON'T know about?
Um, I kind of tell my mom almost everything. So... maybe that hooker I killed last week?

11. Do you think you know the meaning of true love?
Not a clue. Upon closer inspection, I'm not even sure what this question is asking. I know it means a lot to some and a little to many.

12. The last time you kissed someone...was it someone you see yourself with?
Sure. I mean, if he was taller.

13. Are you the one who talks about everything?
Yes. I know a lot of people want me to shut up too. I am sorry, I can't stop. Really.

14. Your most recent ex...are you guys still friends?
Yeah, he seems to think it's ok to show up at my apartment too. Kind of... weird. Especially because he said we'd never talk again. Liar.

15. If your parents didn't like the person you were dating, would you lose them?
My mom hates everyone and everything, so no, I'd keep 'em.

16. Do you see yourself ever being with someone you've been with before?
I've learned to never say never because it bites you in the ass. And I don't like being bitten there. Not cute.

17. Die in a fire or drown?
Drown. DROWN DAMMIT. I HATE FIRE!!

18. Be with someone cute and a jerk or ugly and kind?
Let's go with how I've chosen so far: cute and a jerk.

19. Eat fried worms or chocolate ants?
Chocolate ants, but ewwwww.

20. If your boyfriend/girlfriend didn't like your best friend and told you to be with them or your best friend, who would you choose?
Depends if they have a reason. I also want to at least listen to why. But I am sick of men ordering me around.

21. Would you rather be ditched or ditch someone?
Be ditched. It sucks, but seriously, it's easier in a way. No guilt over that.

22. Kids then marriage or marriage then kids?
Marriage then kids. A belly in a wedding dress would be, like, sooooo nasty!! omgwaffles!

23. If you had to choose between being blind or deaf, which would you pick?
Deaf because I am already nearly tone deaf anyway. Nothing to lose.

24. Would you rather live in a tiny apartment with 5 other people or a huge house that you thought was haunted?
I HATE GHOSTS. (Am I scared of everything? Answer:yes.) So apartment.

25. Do you spend time with the same people always...or new people?
I'm a habit kind of girl, but new friends are always awesome.

26. Do you see yourself as a "good" person?
Nope. It's been about 10 years since I have.

27. Do you think best friends can be replaced?
Nope. Fortunately, you can make new ones, just not replacements.

28. Name 5 people (not family) that you can tell ANYTHING to:
Jemma, Alex K (easiest man to talk to on Earth, seriously), Emily, Deej, Adri and Kayla. I also can't count.

29. Are you the type that would rather stay at other people's houses or have them at yours?
I hate packing.

30. Have you ever wanted to watch a scary movie with someone JUST to have an excuse to be close to them?
Ok, yes, I did it. I hate playing girl games, but I did it. *hangs head in shame*

31. Is your family the "eat dinner at the table" type or the "get your food and eat wherever you want" type?.
My mom and I like to talk. My brother reads. He's rude like that.

32. Have you ever hooked up with one of your ex's best friends?
Uh no. And never would. It feels pretty icky to think about.

33. What would you like to say to the first person you kissed this year?
うるさい、お前！！ケーキをありがとう。

34. What is the last reason you cried?
Emotional distress over the fact I am incapable of making decisions about ANYTHING.

35. Where is your cell phone?
Siting next to me, covered in phone straps. kapibara-san <3

36. What is one thing you wish people knew how to do?
LOVE EACH OTHER. HARDER. Oh and walk on one side of the side walk and not in the freakin' middle!!!

37. Are you excited for the future?
Depends on the day. Usually, no. Rarely, yes. Today, not so much. Kind of cloudy.

38. Your ex shows up randomly at your house, what do you say?
If barriers stay up? We make small talk.
If barriers collapse? I cry, he cries, the sky possibly falls and animals go into hiding.

39. Your boyfriend/girlfriend cheats on you with your friend, who are you mad at?
Both, but really, my friend. Friends don't do that shit to each other.

40. Do you have any weird inside jokes?
I am an inside joke.

41. Liquor or beer?
Liquor! But Japan has taught me to like beer too.

42. What is a common thing that's happened to you the past couple weekends?
I've lost a lot of money on UFO catchers. And seen so many policemen here for the G-8 summit. Last night there were so many lights and policemen and policebuses and just police shit everywhere, I was pretty sure the zombapocalypse had commenced.

43. When was the last time someone yelled at you?
I broke Hiroki's bike today...

44. Have you ever actually broken someone up?
*looks around* Er.

45. When is the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
20 minutes ago.

46. Have you done anything you regret in 2008 so far?
Yes, yes, and HELL FUCKING YES. I'd take it back if I could a million times over. Fuck me.

47. Where is your best friend?
In my dresser drawer ^_~

48. Who was the last person to make you laugh?
Aiba-chan <333

49. Is there any emotion you're trying to avoid right now?
Yes, so why are you asking, asshole?

50. Did anything embarrassing happen to you today?
Yup, futarinori = people staring and wondering why that gaijin is sitting on that bike with that nice japanese boy.

51. Do people make fun of your nationality?
I'm an American in Japan. I'm a Jew. I'm fucked internationally.

52. Who's the last person of the opposite sex to hug you?
Hiroki.

53. Last time you showered:
Last night. Shower after I finish this.

54. What will you name your future son?
What if I have a daughter? But names I like range from Aiden to Yuya. AKA, no fucking clue.

55. Where do you get your money?
My dad (thank you!) and working. Currently tutoring little Japanese children is bringing in the bucks.

56. Is the person you like older or younger than you?
He's always younger for some reason. But never by much. Just enough to say HAHA.

57. Ever talk to someone who was high?
Considering she said the "rainbows guided her home" I'll guess, yes.

58. How tall is the person you like? Shorter or taller?
Always a tiny tiny bit taller. I need to date someone like 6'4'' or something.

59. Did you have a dream last night?
Yes. I was going to make a porno and a 50 Cent was going to be my partner. I woke up terrified.

60. Last comment you left someone:
To Alex, who is in China. COOL.

61. Do you have a Facebook?
Yes, that I never check.

62. What color is your underwear?
Um, pink with yellow and orange hearts.

63. Last person you hung out with?
Hiroki.

64. Do you own a polo?
Nope, not a real one.

65. Are you excited for winter?
It's like 10 million degrees here in Kyoto, so HELL YES.

66. Are you mad at anyone?
Right now? Yes. By tomorrow, probably not.

67. Who is the last person to call you baby, or another "pet name"?
Emily, probably. I'd smack a man if he called me one. Sarah-chan is the most they can get away with.

68. How is your hair right now?
Getting kind of long, with my bangs pinned back. I should put it in a ponytail, but am lazy.

69. Do you shop often?
Lately, no, but I have little shopping urges once in awhile that result in spending-sprees. Japanese clothes are CUTE.

70. What did you do yesterday?
Let's see. Went to Emily's for lunch (that was quite a bike ride!), read manga, returned to Kaikan, met up with Katie and Marissa, ate dinner with people (mmm mexican) and then went and bought more manga with Emily and Katie (Japanese reading practice!) and finally went to sleep. Aka, nothing.

71. What is tomorrow?
Friday! DRAG QUEENS!

72. Do you wear make-up?
Lately, everyday. Japan makes you want to step up your game. So on with the eyeliner and mascara! Dude, I even wear HEELS.

73. Is there a song stuck in your head at the moment?
Weezer's "Undone:the Sweater Song" Loves it!

74. Was the first person you talked to today male or female?
Female, I believe.

75. Have you ever actually sat down and thought about why you like the person you like?
Often. I think it's because he's cute. And Japanese.

76. What's the last thing you said to someone in a text and who?
To Emily: 松潤ってボーリングできないよ！！2点だぞ！\（＠o＠;）/

77. Was your last kiss a mistake?
No, I am pretty sure I intentionally let it happen.

78. Do you still talk to the last person you kissed?
Considering it was a few hours ago, yeah.

79. When was the last time you cried really hard?
My last monthly breakdown. It was epic like the moving of tectonic plates.

80. Who is someone you'd like to fix things with?
I'd like Y-san and I to figure things out. He's a nice guy, really.

81. What's a happy time you've had in the past week?
Wow, lots, but I think eating that whole cake takes the.. cake. God, i'm funny.

82. Are you dating the person of the opposite gender that you text the most?
Hiroki texts a lot. But lately he's been calling more, so uh, dunno.

83. What are your plans for this weekend?
Friday: tea ceremony and incense ceremony followed by clubbing with drag queens (no seriously)
Saturday: sukiyaki with Emily's host family, tanabata party
Sunday: tutoring in the morning, cocktail party with KIX people in the evening. Gonna be fuuuuuun!

That was entirely boring and told no one anything about my life in Japan. At all. Dammit.

I'll be home on the 23rd of July (well, in Chicago for a few days, then home). See you all soon!!

I was sitting in a train today, moving along from Ichinomiya to Nagoya when I spotted this poster:

It read:
自殺する前日
その人は
笑っていました。

[The day before he committed suicide
That person
Was laughing.]

It was a request from a government branch to watch out for the signs of someone who might want to end their life. I read it and wondered if you can really tell. I read it, and it made me wonder if it should be easy to understand another human being.

I think I am particularly bad at this.

I think, if it was me, I wouldn't notice. Not because I wasn't watching or listening, but because I don't understand.

I don't understand where people are coming from.

"Isn't this normal?" they ask me.

Is it? I wonder.

All I can think, everyday, is, I want to change. I want to be better. Happier. Stronger. I want to understand.

I am a cold person. I know this well. I can blame my childhood, my family all I want, but the result is the same. I am still a cold person.

I want to change.

I want to be... I want to be worthy of friendship, of companionship, of love.

Up until now, I've been trying - I thought. Up until now, I'm not sure what I've been doing. All I know is, I want a different, happier future.

I want to let go of old painful memories. I want to stand up and walk forward. I have failed a million people a million times. I want to somehow, in some way make a right.

It's too late to change the past. It's too late to take things back. It's not even worth having the same argument and waging the same old wars.

Step forward. Just one little step.

Why can't my feet seem to move?

Ok, so I want to try to update this more often. With less angst and more pictures! FUCK YEAH!

Anyway, I am sad that I missed Thanksgiving. My need for turkey, dressing, potatoes, and other delicious american staples has become nearly overwhelming. McDonald's has truly become my embassy. Also, Kyoto has suddenly become fucking cold. Like one day I was in short sleeves and the next day I was bundled up so much I could only hobble like an astronaut. Or a penguin.

I also have decided to run for Prime Minister of Japan to institute a policy of central heating. I believe it would benefit all ages, races, genders, and freezing gaijin equally. Look out for me on the next ticket.

I went to a soccer game as pictured here:





It was Kyoto Sanga vs. Nantokanantoka (ok, so i totally forgot. Whatever, we won). The point is, Japanese people love cheering. They don't love cheering. They FUCKING love cheering. The game begins - they are dancing and singing a cheer. The game continues... as does the cheer. In fact the cheer never stops. They repeat the same cheer throughout the entire 45 minutes of the half without a single slow down regardless of what is happening on the field. When the second half rolls around, the bring out a new cheer for another 45 minutes. WTF?


Anyway, I went to said soccer game with  host brother Shohei, as pictured here:





He's the one with the pink flower in his hair, receiving the award for "Mister Lady." Best school festival EVER. I know we do this as a joke in the US sometimes, but here it actually works! They looked like ladies and the competition was fierce! Way to go, Shoko-chan! (god, he'd kill me if he knew I was writing this!)

This past weekend, I went to Nagoya to see Nagoya station. WTF, you ask. Well, in Japan, JR spends a shitload of money making its stations a big tourist attraction by covering them in impossibly expensive light displays. Anyway, I like sparkly things, so I wanted to go. Nagoya is Hiroki's hometown, and seeing the lights is his tradition, so we went. Check out the spaaaaarkle!!!





There were also rows and rows of lit up bear families doing cute things like fishing, dancing, and cooking!





There is a bear behind me, but my fat head is in the way. Anyway, they were sooooooo cute!!! Hiroki was squeeing like a little girl which made it just that much more amusing. Also, they were playing a music box-like version of Beauty and the Beast. Cute!





And this is what happens when I try to take pics on my own.... sigh. Anyway, I was immensely enjoying the cuteness and prettyness of it by saying "cute!" "pretty!" "kirei!" "kawaii!" repeatedly. Hiroki, of course, mocked me and killed the moment. Men.

The next day we headed to the very very center of Nagoya to see this.... thing.  It was cool


 


This picture doesn't do it much justice, but it is a pond up on the roof of a building. It's so cool because you can see the people, stairs, etc through the water and below. It's also just really high up and shiiiiiiny.





Hiroki's angst got all up in my picture, but isn't it pretty sweet? It was also damn big. And there was a misokatsu place right below that was so super tasty I nearly cried. Or maybe I was hungry? Anyway, Nagoya is cool. Not much to do but look and shop, but definitely has much more of the big city feel than Kyoto and is less hokey than Osaka.

I also got to FINALLY fulfill my dream of 二人乗り！！！But damn that shit is hard. And my butt hurt. ;_;

Ok, off to do homework for now. Either that or freeze to death slowly in my room. Toodles.

So, Japan, our romance period has ended. I hate you a little now. We started off so well - me enamoured with you and in my eyes you could do no wrong. Hell, I was even enjoying falling off of my bike everyday as Japanese people attempted to look anywhere but at my crumpled form on the ground. But now Japan, you've lost your new shine. Now you're just another country (an awesome one, but yeah) full of people who look at me like some kind of rare bird (or mangy dog, depending on the person). Sure, you have endlessly amusing things - cute mascots for EVERYTHING (including government branches!), freaking amazing hi-tech toilets, hilarious TV, the friendliest McDonald's employees, and let's not forget - Karaoke !! But you suck too. There is a reason for all your shine and glow and sparkle - inside, you're pretty damn empty. People here are unnervingly distant and confusing. I often find myself squirming, wondering what they are thinking. A nice smile, compliments outside, but for all I know, the truth is something completely opposite. If you speak english, of course people will talk to you! I mean, hell, FREE CLASS! So, then you start to get annoyed. I'm there.

So then you make some friends (eventually, jeez) and hey, look, a boyfriend too! He's hilarious, he's sweet, he's the closest to an Akanishi any girl could ask for (you go jewelry shopping... FOR HIM), you cook dinner together, have romantic dates by the river at night, look up at the stars together. He tells you FINALLY, finally "好きだよ” and hides his face because he is too shy to look at you. When his lips make a simple brush across your cheek, your whole body shivers involuntarily. And you are happy. DAMN HAPPY. And then you come back to your quiet, cold room and think about home, real home, and wonder what you have left behind.

You are still wondering.

Ok, of all the things I am known for, being somewhat capable and practical is also on the list along with perverted and improper, right? Or at least, not an absolutely useless person when left to do something on my own. So Japan was like, HAH! I WILL KILL OFF YOUR SMARTNESS. YOU MUST LOOK DUMB AT ALL TIMES! Thanks, Japan. Really. In class, I can spit out smart-ass comments as usual, but put me on the street here and I'm a freaking idiot. I'm always lost, late, forgetting something, and ending up having someone save me. (>_<) My teachers are especially patient with me, the KCJS staff calls my host family often to make sure I'm doing all right (more than they call other student's families), classmates notice when I'm not there or when I need help 'cause it's like... always. How is this like me at all? Mad at you, Japan. We're in a fight.

Anyway, damn so much has been going on I'm not sure where to start and writing forever is totally boring so I'll try to summarize. Moved up a level in Japanese. Cry. It is harder than I was expecting and well, yeah, grades psssssh. I went to karaoke again and did fairly ok on some KAT-TUN songs, couldn't figure Dir en Grey out, and then blew my voice on Asian Kung-Fu Generation. Oh wells. At the end of everyday here I am so exhausted but I can't even begin to explain why. Japan takes it alllll out of me.

Also been making a bunch of friends which is really nice. All picking up some hardcore Kansai-ben thanks in part to my friends, but mostly my family. Yusuke is so hardcore Kansai-ben that his own mother sometimes can't understand him. Plus, he talks constantly now like he's got his own one man show and annoys the hell out of Shohei (which amuses me to no end.) As for befriending Shohei, I see that it is simply impossible. He has friends of course, but even with them is extremely quiet. The other night I said something at dinner that cracked Shohei up and he totally almost choked! Ahhh, it was dangerous. Luckily, Okaasan saved the day (as per usual). She also attempted to give me a bit of a talk about dating Japanese men. It made me giggle endlessly as she tried to tell me in a delicate way to not get drunk and pregnant. She's sweet though. XD Whenever I'm out with girls, I have no curfew. But if with boys, my curfew is 12:00. Oh, she's just too used to being around men! Though not getting drunk in Japan is pretty hard considering options for going out and chilling are: movies, eating, karaoke, and drinking. Yeah, only one involves no alcohol. They just LOVE it here. My tolerance will no doubt be legendary once I get home! But the drinks here are weak and delicious! Yay!

Also, Melon bread = love. Oh! and Coffee Jelly which Shohei and I fight over. Soooo delicious! Food here in general has been pretty awesome XD Too bad I'm losing weight. WTF? Apparently, I'm 170cm and 49kg which is causing my host mother and other japanese people to have a fit. I'm so full! GAH!

Tomorrow, we all head to Okayama (aka, bumblefuck Japan)  in seperate groups. Everyone gets to do something cool except my group. *shakes fist* Oh well, I'll probably get lost so it won't matter...

Pictures. (Best part, right??)

Host family dog - Asshu! I'm in love with him, but can't take pics down at his level because he's always climbing in my lap when I try! XD

Me at some random place along Kamogawa. Gosh, Kyoto is really pretty. Though when I'm biking, all those branches hit me int he face.

Mini-tour group to Kiyomizudera. This is the view looking back down on Kyoto. I'm not even going to try to explain what Gaku is doing...

Me at Kiyomizudera. Damn, it was so crowded, so we didn't go much past the front buildings. Anyway, it was big and pretty, but hot and there were too many gaijin. Haha, Ok, um, I think that's it for now. Probably forgot something, Oh wells!

Sarah out!

Japan has truly brought out a great talent of mine - getting totally, utterly, and completely hopelessly lost. ALL THE TIME. Street signs are a rare commodity here and it seems they just prefer to state your general area. Ok, so this is naninanimachi, but what the hell is this street called?!?!? I got so lost one night, I wandered Shijo-dori for about an hour before a very nice japanese boy on a bike walked me home. Thank you, anonymous life-saving biker!!

Also, bikes. Everyone here rides bikes like they are on some sort of illegal substance. Weave in, weave out, fast, slow, right side, left, randomly turn, etc. Plus, no one wears a helmet. I've seen many women with babies in the front basket of their bike biking down the wrong side of the road and weaving through traffic without a helmet. BABIES!!! But ok. I'm not much of a biker so I've been trying my best. I did hit one pedestrian slightly on the arm... >_< I apologized profusely but he stared at me like I should just go and die, so I got back and my bike and got out of there. Oh man, that was lame.

Also, my host family situation is totally weird. I have a very nice Okaasan who teaches calligraphy, a very funny Otousan who is always out working late, but loooooves to drink when home, and two host brothers. Yusuke, the older, enjoys going out at night a lot. I assumed this was to meet up with friends, drink, party, karaoke, etc, but no. Apparently he goes to places he believes to be haunted and searches for ghosts. Seriously. A ghost hunter. The younger one, Shohei would rather chew tacs than speak to me, so we have many, many awkward silences. He's the total bishounen type, and the most we have communicated is maybe a two minute conversation. From my observations, he likes soccer and checking his hair in mirrors.

The classes are all pretty cool, but I don't think anyone cares about that and I don't much either, really. I'm trying to make lots of japanese friends, but that is near impossible without a keitai here. Keitai = social life. I can't get one until I am a fully registered alien, which sadly, won't be until next week. Until then. Yeah.

Anyway, words are boring and pictures are fun!

Yes, please. Leave the life alone, really.

Said pond and my feet. Aren't the lily pads cool? There were little turtles everywhere. They were so cute!

Japanese classroom and some people from class. All classrooms look the same, I swear it.

A bunch of people from last night's get together, including 3 Kyodai students.. We played a game involving doing obscene motions and then remembering other people's and well, anyway, it resulted in this picture. The guy in the striped shirt - Ryou - he was really giving every motion his all! Japanese guys can be so funny when not reserved! Ashley (in the middle, next to Ryou) did a good job of making Koutaro (sitting next to her in the white with the tie) think I was trying to get in his pants. Now, he's scared of me. Jeez. And we have class together too! >_<

Anyway, I'm tired again. Time to go. Hope all's well with everyone! <3 Sarah

Dude, I'm in Japan. Seriously. I'm gonna write about it.

For now:

It is HOT. Like drown in your own miserable sweat hot.

and

My host brothers = #%)@&$&))!@&?!?!??????

and my host family's dog is SO freaking cute!!!!!

That is all. Oh, pictures!

Look! ME! IN FRONT OF SOMETHING OLD! This was actually taken while wandering around the imperial palace park.

This is the sidewalk I walk/bike/bus by on the way to school. Nice view, huh?

This is a giga-crow. The picture doesn't do the size of this bird justice. They are all around here and they are HUGE. They dwarf Ann Arbor squirrels.

This is from a party we all had with college students from various universities around the area like Kyodai and Ritsumei. Everyone was really nice and most people drank too much. It was fuuuuuuuuuuun. I want to try karaoke next!

All right. Too tired for more detail. Write more later.